i am just a stupid girl, and a stupid one at that...

to let this tear me up, but i deleted my dad's email address from my list of contacts today. :(

emotions

i changed my blog's name to 'things that matter'. i am not quite ready to change it back to 'thanks and praise', but i am passed 'one word at a time'. i am finding my voice again, although i feel raw and exposed.

ten years ago today is the day i married bfp. this morning he surprised me with flowers and chocolate and a love letter. i choked up because although bfp shows me how much he loves me everyday, he is not much for being sensitive.

he wrote:
you are my breath, the catalyst of my existence
my vastness of love for you is unwavering/unending
the light of your smile moves me
embracing you feeds my soul
wife of mine, i love you.

romantic, huh?

later this morning, after i dropped the boys off at school, k-love played 'untitled hymn (come to jesus)' by chris rice, one of the songs at my dad's funeral. i pulled the car over and cried. i probably almost caused an accident. sorry, people behind me, who thought i was out of my mind on drugs.

now i think it's time for me to "fall on jesus and live".

confidence

grief is an isolating emotion. i think it is meant to be so that you reflect on the person and what you lost. not only thinking of what that person meant to you, but what traits he or she added to make your life better. the traits that may now be missing and how you are going to replace them.

as i have been reflecting on both my dad's and my grandma's lives, i am having a crisis. a crisis of confidence, i think, because it is not a crisis of faith. my faith in God is as strong as ever, but my faith in myself is lacking. i think of the wonderful attributes that my dad and my grandma possessed and i can not find them in myself. my husband says i am being too hard on myself and maybe i am. but i am sad for myself and my children because they won't experience these two people the way that i did and that their only connection to them will be through me. i pray i do them justice.

activities and attitudes to be more like my dad:
- the ability to solve problems in the simplest way
- decisiveness (i can narrow things down, but i want someone else to have the 'final' say)
- can fix or make anything
- skiing
- tell jokes/stories well
- appreciate the outdoors
- not complain or gossip about people
- loyal
- organized (every tool had an outlined place and everything was returned to its place after use)
- enjoy what you are doing and not worry about what you are not doing

activities and attitudes to be more like my grandma:
- dancing every saturday night
- not wasting time (busy hands, mind, body)
- hanging clothes outside on the clothesline so they smelled like sunshine
- gardening pansies and daffodils
- canning the best raspberry jelly
- making every person she was with feel important
- frugal
- making her home welcoming
- sewing and baking (i am *awful* at both of these)
- classy

there are so many more things that i admired in both of them. how am i going to make up for them being gone? i am ill-equipped.

lost

my grandma darlene (dad's mom) passed away today. i called and spoke with my family. i called my husband. i cried with my grandpa. i updated my status. i posted in a forum i belong to. i have received many condolences and prayers for peace. they are touching, yet i still sit here feeling lost. feeling a little bit like i am waiting for something; something that will perhaps make me feel a little bit better?

i feel unsettled. when my dad died, it was sad but i felt peaceful about it. it was the right time. for him, for us. i am surprised that i do not feel that way now. my grandma has been a shell for the last seven years (alzheimer's) and so i know that she is better for dancing gracefully up to heaven at last, but it feels... wrong. i feel like my family is being torn apart a person at a time and i don't like it.

i want to feel at rest. instead i feel fearful and angry and resentful. those feelings conflict with knowing how i should feel - trusting, content, joyful. instead of anchored, i feel adrift.


please, Lord, calm the stormy sea of my feelings. fill me up with love for You and Your perfect timing. shine your face on me with graciousness and give me peace and acceptance. amen.