Monday, September 20, 2010

musing - who we were before

bfp's grandpa died from acute leukemia on labor day after being diagnosed 10 days beforehand. our house was broken into and robbed by two gang members (while we were home, up the stairs, sleeping, didn't hear a thing) last week. my boys are not sleeping well; they are having nightmares. they wake up crying and want to sleep in our room. all of it - the death of my dad, my grandma, bfp's grandpa, the robbery - makes me feel so sad and so helpless. i pray. because that is all i can do. much of the time, i feel depressed. but sometimes i catch a glimpse of the happier girl i used to be. a fellow blogger wrote this post that seems to capture the heart of how i feel and i thought i'd share her words with you.

I saw her again. That girl I used to be. She was having lunch with her college roomies. She was having a beer with an old friend.
She’s so tempting to me. I want to flirt with her, dance with her again, but it’s too dangerous. How can I come back to this girl if I linger too long at that girl’s side?
Because I have to come back.
People are counting on this girl.

My mind keeps dragging out moments from 2 summers ago. And the summer before that.
I hit them back like a piƱata and they swing back at me,
again and again,
until it busts open. All the pieces of my life scattered across the lawn. It can’t be put back together, so you grab what you can in your hands and go on home.

But home doesn’t feel good either. The walls are covered with pictures of that girl’s life. And the cute boy she married. Those people our children will never remember. The ones I want to dance with.
The people we were before.

please go to to read more.

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