confidence

grief is an isolating emotion. i think it is meant to be so that you reflect on the person and what you lost. not only thinking of what that person meant to you, but what traits he or she added to make your life better. the traits that may now be missing and how you are going to replace them.

as i have been reflecting on both my dad's and my grandma's lives, i am having a crisis. a crisis of confidence, i think, because it is not a crisis of faith. my faith in God is as strong as ever, but my faith in myself is lacking. i think of the wonderful attributes that my dad and my grandma possessed and i can not find them in myself. my husband says i am being too hard on myself and maybe i am. but i am sad for myself and my children because they won't experience these two people the way that i did and that their only connection to them will be through me. i pray i do them justice.

activities and attitudes to be more like my dad:
- the ability to solve problems in the simplest way
- decisiveness (i can narrow things down, but i want someone else to have the 'final' say)
- can fix or make anything
- skiing
- tell jokes/stories well
- appreciate the outdoors
- not complain or gossip about people
- loyal
- organized (every tool had an outlined place and everything was returned to its place after use)
- enjoy what you are doing and not worry about what you are not doing

activities and attitudes to be more like my grandma:
- dancing every saturday night
- not wasting time (busy hands, mind, body)
- hanging clothes outside on the clothesline so they smelled like sunshine
- gardening pansies and daffodils
- canning the best raspberry jelly
- making every person she was with feel important
- frugal
- making her home welcoming
- sewing and baking (i am *awful* at both of these)
- classy

there are so many more things that i admired in both of them. how am i going to make up for them being gone? i am ill-equipped.