lost

my grandma darlene (dad's mom) passed away today. i called and spoke with my family. i called my husband. i cried with my grandpa. i updated my status. i posted in a forum i belong to. i have received many condolences and prayers for peace. they are touching, yet i still sit here feeling lost. feeling a little bit like i am waiting for something; something that will perhaps make me feel a little bit better?

i feel unsettled. when my dad died, it was sad but i felt peaceful about it. it was the right time. for him, for us. i am surprised that i do not feel that way now. my grandma has been a shell for the last seven years (alzheimer's) and so i know that she is better for dancing gracefully up to heaven at last, but it feels... wrong. i feel like my family is being torn apart a person at a time and i don't like it.

i want to feel at rest. instead i feel fearful and angry and resentful. those feelings conflict with knowing how i should feel - trusting, content, joyful. instead of anchored, i feel adrift.


please, Lord, calm the stormy sea of my feelings. fill me up with love for You and Your perfect timing. shine your face on me with graciousness and give me peace and acceptance. amen.