d

today i am thankful for:

-daisies and daffodils
-donating to charity
-dreams
-dancing
-dishes (i have a china and platter addiction)
-dogs, specifically my dog
-deodorant (what a smelly world we'd be without this)

i see, you see, we all see 'c'

-CHEESE!!! (stop by my blog http://www.everythingisbetterwithcheese.blogspot.com for recipes involving cheese)
-crisp fall weather
-caramel apples
-cherries
-colors, specifically turquoise
-calla lilies
-church
-certainty
-card games
-contacts (so i can see without wearing glasses)
-chandeliers (and other thing sparkly, pretty, shiny)
-cameras
-clean houses
-crockpot cooking
-comfortable friendships (and furniture!)
-cuddling with the hubster

4 = b

-bfp
-books (of course)
-bible (which is technically a book, but i thought it rated its own entry)
-blogging
-balance (i mean the life thing, but not falling over is pretty nice too)
-basil pesto
-barbeque chips
-bacon
-butterflies (but i hate actual bees)

brought to you by the letter 'a'

i got up this morning (reluctantly) and realized that it is already the THIRD of november. (no one can accuse me of not being quick!) i want to take the month of novemeber to make a list (me and lists, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g...) of the things i am grateful for. this list is brought to you by the letter 'a'.

-advent (it might be too early to bring christmas preparation into the discussion, but that's how i roll)
-angels
-artwork from my son, artist
-adhesive (yes, i could just say 'tape' but that isn't as much fun, plus it starts with the wrong letter)
-adoption
-alphabet (yay for spelling! and words!)
-adjectives
-archs in architecture
-aprons
-asparagus and avocados
-affection

one thing i am not grateful for and think may be evil: alarm clocks

**what are you grateful for?

number fifty!!!

this is my 50th post! whoever would have thought that one new year's resolution would have had such an impact? crazy!

poodle princess in the driver's seat

i'm doing nano again this year. last year i wrote 30,000 words and this year my goal is 40,000. i have a great idea for a children's novel. wish me luck!

you can join me at www.nanowrimo.com.

no longer lying

last year, i wanted to lose 13 pounds by my birthday. i didn't make my weight loss goal by my birthday (or even in the same year for that matter), but i did make it. :) i am happy to report the weight listed on my driver's license is no longer a lie.

did you know:

september was prostate cancer awareness month and october is breast cancer awareness month?

prostate cancer is the most common cancer among men and is the second leading cause of cancer death in american men (behind only lung cancer) causing about 11% of cancer-related deaths?
breast cancer is the most common cancer among women and is the second leading cause of death in american women (behind only lung cancer)?

when compared with all causes of death in men over age 45, prostate cancer ranks fifth?
when compared to all causes of cancer death in women over age 45, breast cancer ranks fifth?

1 man in 36 (around 32,050 men) will die of prostate cancer this year and 5-year survival rate after it has metastasized is 30.2%?
1 woman in 35 (around 39,840 women) will die breast cancer this year and 5-year survival rate after it has metastasized is 23.4%?

there is a 17% chance of being diagnosed with prostate cancer over a man's lifetime?
there is a 13% chance of being diagnosed with breast cancer over a woman's lifetime?

prostate cancer research receives less than half of the funding breast cancer does ($399 million compared to $891 million)?

did you know that breast cancer incidence rates decrease by about 2% per year while prostate cancer increase each year?

when you are donating to the susan g komen foundation for breast cancer this month, please consider donating to prostate cancer as well.
http://www.pcf.org/site/c.leJRIROrEpH/b.5699537/k.BEF4/Home.htm

musing - who we were before

bfp's grandpa died from acute leukemia on labor day after being diagnosed 10 days beforehand. our house was broken into and robbed by two gang members (while we were home, up the stairs, sleeping, didn't hear a thing) last week. my boys are not sleeping well; they are having nightmares. they wake up crying and want to sleep in our room. all of it - the death of my dad, my grandma, bfp's grandpa, the robbery - makes me feel so sad and so helpless. i pray. because that is all i can do. much of the time, i feel depressed. but sometimes i catch a glimpse of the happier girl i used to be. a fellow blogger wrote this post that seems to capture the heart of how i feel and i thought i'd share her words with you.

***
I saw her again. That girl I used to be. She was having lunch with her college roomies. She was having a beer with an old friend.
Laughing.
She’s so tempting to me. I want to flirt with her, dance with her again, but it’s too dangerous. How can I come back to this girl if I linger too long at that girl’s side?
Because I have to come back.
People are counting on this girl.

My mind keeps dragging out moments from 2 summers ago. And the summer before that.
I hit them back like a piñata and they swing back at me,
again and again,
until it busts open. All the pieces of my life scattered across the lawn. It can’t be put back together, so you grab what you can in your hands and go on home.

But home doesn’t feel good either. The walls are covered with pictures of that girl’s life. And the cute boy she married. Those people our children will never remember. The ones I want to dance with.
The people we were before.

please go to http://www.thewhitts.com/half12/2010/07/flash-dance.html to read more.

recommended read

i ran across this prayer and it touched me. i hope it touches you.

Saint Theresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

amen.

i am just a stupid girl, and a stupid one at that...

to let this tear me up, but i deleted my dad's email address from my list of contacts today. :(

emotions

i changed my blog's name to 'things that matter'. i am not quite ready to change it back to 'thanks and praise', but i am passed 'one word at a time'. i am finding my voice again, although i feel raw and exposed.

ten years ago today is the day i married bfp. this morning he surprised me with flowers and chocolate and a love letter. i choked up because although bfp shows me how much he loves me everyday, he is not much for being sensitive.

he wrote:
you are my breath, the catalyst of my existence
my vastness of love for you is unwavering/unending
the light of your smile moves me
embracing you feeds my soul
wife of mine, i love you.

romantic, huh?

later this morning, after i dropped the boys off at school, k-love played 'untitled hymn (come to jesus)' by chris rice, one of the songs at my dad's funeral. i pulled the car over and cried. i probably almost caused an accident. sorry, people behind me, who thought i was out of my mind on drugs.

now i think it's time for me to "fall on jesus and live".

confidence

grief is an isolating emotion. i think it is meant to be so that you reflect on the person and what you lost. not only thinking of what that person meant to you, but what traits he or she added to make your life better. the traits that may now be missing and how you are going to replace them.

as i have been reflecting on both my dad's and my grandma's lives, i am having a crisis. a crisis of confidence, i think, because it is not a crisis of faith. my faith in God is as strong as ever, but my faith in myself is lacking. i think of the wonderful attributes that my dad and my grandma possessed and i can not find them in myself. my husband says i am being too hard on myself and maybe i am. but i am sad for myself and my children because they won't experience these two people the way that i did and that their only connection to them will be through me. i pray i do them justice.

activities and attitudes to be more like my dad:
- the ability to solve problems in the simplest way
- decisiveness (i can narrow things down, but i want someone else to have the 'final' say)
- can fix or make anything
- skiing
- tell jokes/stories well
- appreciate the outdoors
- not complain or gossip about people
- loyal
- organized (every tool had an outlined place and everything was returned to its place after use)
- enjoy what you are doing and not worry about what you are not doing

activities and attitudes to be more like my grandma:
- dancing every saturday night
- not wasting time (busy hands, mind, body)
- hanging clothes outside on the clothesline so they smelled like sunshine
- gardening pansies and daffodils
- canning the best raspberry jelly
- making every person she was with feel important
- frugal
- making her home welcoming
- sewing and baking (i am *awful* at both of these)
- classy

there are so many more things that i admired in both of them. how am i going to make up for them being gone? i am ill-equipped.

lost

my grandma darlene (dad's mom) passed away today. i called and spoke with my family. i called my husband. i cried with my grandpa. i updated my status. i posted in a forum i belong to. i have received many condolences and prayers for peace. they are touching, yet i still sit here feeling lost. feeling a little bit like i am waiting for something; something that will perhaps make me feel a little bit better?

i feel unsettled. when my dad died, it was sad but i felt peaceful about it. it was the right time. for him, for us. i am surprised that i do not feel that way now. my grandma has been a shell for the last seven years (alzheimer's) and so i know that she is better for dancing gracefully up to heaven at last, but it feels... wrong. i feel like my family is being torn apart a person at a time and i don't like it.

i want to feel at rest. instead i feel fearful and angry and resentful. those feelings conflict with knowing how i should feel - trusting, content, joyful. instead of anchored, i feel adrift.


please, Lord, calm the stormy sea of my feelings. fill me up with love for You and Your perfect timing. shine your face on me with graciousness and give me peace and acceptance. amen.

my latest google searches

1.) americana bedroom decor
2.) cucumber soup
3.) the color turquoise
4.) flea images
5.) blessed synonyms
6.) atlantic versus pacific salmon calories
7.) maggiano's phone number
8.) psalm 105
9.) dia parking
10.) edible playdoh
11.) 'hard candy christmas' lyrics
12.) u.s. territories
13.) pomegranate cocktail ingredients
14.) half marathon podcast
15.) jaguars
16.) phil wickham concert tour dates
17.) raw dog food recipes
18.) james 5
19.) denver art museum free days
20.) how to fix a broken sewing machine

what have you been searching for?

sorrow

"Can God, who gave His all for you, ever do wrong by you? Shall you accept the good from His hand and then charge Him with wrong doing when something does not go your way? Shall you thank Him when He blesses you with what you approve but not thank Him when it seems bad and painful for you?

Is He worthy of praise only when His acts please you? His chosen way for you is always good and perfect and best. He is evermore worthy of thanksgiving and praise, even in the darkest times. Your trust in the dark so pleases your Heavenly Father. Your praise in pain honors Him." ~J White

The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.

For He will hide me in His shelter in the day of trouble; He will conceal me under the cover of His tent. ~Psalm 27:5

***
my dad died may 20. father's day was june 20 this year, exactly one month after his passing. the last six weeks, i have been hiding out. now that my sorrow is ebbing, it is a time for rejoicing. my dad's pain is gone. my dad is meeting with Jesus. my dad is living in heaven! PRAISE GOD! tomorrow is the birthday of our nation and i will smile and laugh and enjoy the day. it did not come without its fair share of sorrow too. God has a purpose for all our pain.